No Leo, No Juno

Though I forget the vast majority of my dreams, the strange anxiousness that lingers after sleeping indicates that I have really weird ones. Sometimes, they're so bizarre that I manage to remember them so I can forever be tormented by their strangeness. Today while napping in my incredibly uncomfortable car, I had one of those dreams. Here's a few of the things that happened while I was sleeping:

-Tokyo-chan, the band I played with for a Japanese benefit concert, was having a photoshoot with the self timer of a point-and-shoot camera (even in my dreams we're a ghetto band...). For some reason, I was doing some weird dance pose for the camera and my head was disproportionally big. I was very self-conscious of my head and wanted to un-tag myself from the facebook album that was going to be made.

-A mystery man (in the dream, I literally saw a question mark wherever he was) was somehow hypnotically suggesting things to me and a group of people. When I told a friend that I was being hypnotized, he claimed that he had been manipulating me since the day we met. This was VERY inception-esque.

-Probably the most memorable part of this dream was watching some scenes from a video game I've been playing (which pretty much tells me I've been playing too much). Anyway, the story in my dream (which completely differs from that of the actual game) was about how the main character just received a cushy job in the army and when he was going to an office to accept the position, he found himself having to save the girl he loved from some unexplained peril. After the incident, she somehow disappeared and the hero rushed to the office only to find that the job he was pursuing was taken by another applicant while he was off do-gooding. A pretty sad story isn't it?

-Ryoko, a woman who hangs around the music department, randomly went in my car and expected me to give her a ride. When I told her that I wasn't driving anywhere, she started singing. [Actually, this is not weird at all. This situation is completely believable]

These may seem like pretty normal situations, but realize this all happened in the same dream. Somehow when I was dreaming, all these things connected with each other; the part about how I was being hypnotized was somehow related to my band's photoshoot and the stuff Ryoko was singing to me. I'm not going to go about psychoanalyzing my weird crackpot dreams, but man... Carl Jung would have loved this.

Have a nice day,
-Matthew

Almost Empty

Three years ago during a tough time, I bought a pack of cigarettes. They were cheap menthols that seasoned smokers scoff at and newbies choke on, but when the consciousness of my mind was bleak and the air around me was heavy, each one gave me about five minutes of smokey, self-detrimental solace. Truly, they were a guilty pleasure proscribed to only the darkest, gloomiest days in my life. Today, I have two leftover.

Clearly, the fact that I still have some leftovers despite such a long ownership indicates that I am a VERY occasional smoker. If anyone reads this and is worried in the slightest bit, please realize this is a pack/3+ years "habit" and I highly doubt it will ever result in anything remotely resembling those terrifying smoking PSA's.

Anyway, this pack, though seldomly excavated from the CVS bag it came from, has seen a lot of things in my life. Three years ago when I first purchased them, I smoked a couple after I was rejected by a girl I liked. Last year, I had one or two after a demoralizing conversation with my mom. I smoked on several different occasions when certain friends did not hold their promises as well as I had hoped and, most recently, I had two when I came to the realization that I was chasing after the wrong girl (see last post [LAUGH OUT LOUD]). The rest I infrequently used whenever I faced torturous bouts of loneliness.

I'm not going to say cigarettes are great or that they're even good. When I have to taste of my extremely stale cigarettes I usually wince and cough for a bit before I take a second drag. I will say, however, that they dull down the pain a little and, in my experience, help you swallow the bitter, nasty truth of your situation one breath at a time. I don't like getting stuck in my depression. An occasional disgusting cigarette helps me cope a little with the uncomfortable steps I have to take to climb out of my sadness. I'll do my best to keep my last two for as long as possible. FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!

Have a nice day,
-Matthew

One I Love

A few nights ago, I was really smitten by a girl and construed a lot of her actions as signs that she may have felt something as well. Today, I was thinking about all those signs and realized that all of them could have actually been just circumstantial or explained for different reasons. All those times we locked our eyes could have easily been because my hair looked odd (which it did) or because my jokes were uproariously hilarious (which they weren't).

I feel there are a lot of times where I can't really trust my own viewpoint. I feel that so much of what I perceive is subjective and I lack the discernment to determine what I should take home from my surrounding events. It's as if my mind naturally gravitates towards insincere fantasies that break like glass and reveal a terrible disfigured reality. Clearly, I was so entranced by that girl's presence that I would only allow myself to believe in what I wanted. Now, that I'm finally considering alternate explanations, I just want to run back to my precious mirage and just hope it's all true.

I just had dinner with my dad, and he was sort of reprimanding me for not figuring out my future. He told me bluntly that if I just kept dreaming without executing any plans, I would get nothing done. And I think he's right. I've been fooling myself about the future for quite some time now, and I guess I had better get out of the illusion that I can be a rock star no matter how much my mind convinces me it's a feasible occupation.

After dinner, he told me that he didn't like the fact that he had to pressure his kids into independence, but he knew he had to do it for the greater good. I can't really trust my intuition when considering that girl I was mentioning above, but I know I can believe my dad's benevolent intentions. That said, I still have a crush on that girl cause she's SMOKING HOT.

Have a nice day,
-Matthew

Year in Review

2010 was a good year. I could probably give lengthy anecdotes or explanations behind all items in this list, but I figured the point of summarizing my year is brevity.

Movies I enjoyed the most in 2010
-Inception
-Back to the Future
-Hear Me
-Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
-Mystery Team

Music I enjoyed a lot in 2010
-"Nothin' on You" by B.O.B.
-"Lisztomania" by Phoenix
-"Holdin You Down" by Jazmine Sullivan
-106.1 for it's exceptionally ghetto music.
-"Bounce Baby" by Danny Sanchez
-"Tall Drink of Water" by John Ellis
-"Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry
-"Space Cowboy" by Jamiroquai

Things that happened that I will never forget
-Meeting THE MOST RIDICULOUS person ever.
-Having a great rival
-Almost having a mental breakdown
-Getting depressed after a really bad performance
-Birthday parties down town and in PB
-Vegas
-Playing with Steve Smith
-Three confrontations.

Other notable things
-Discovering Popeyes and enjoying its positive effects on roommate relations.
-Getting new headphones (for the first time in four years)
-Going to the gym and enjoying snacks afterward.
-Discovering Pokemon Lab
-Buying something more than just a few hundred bucks for the first time in four years.
-Getting a job
-Muir Musical

Lessons Learned/Revelations
-If everyone was a LITTLE BIT more/less _______, the world would be a better place.
-INTEGRITY is the key to life.
-I'm just NOT SURE about the future right now.
-Music industry is NOT GOOD RIGHT NOW
-FARTS (Forced ARTificial Scarcity) will rule the world in the future.
-It's important to be OBJECTIVE, NOT EMOTIONAL, when experiencing neglect/rejection.
-DON'T FIX what's not broken.
-True friends stick around.

Resolutions
-Transcribe at least a little
-Find a church
-Study math for once
-Graduate
-Figure some of it out
-Be a better person

Have a nice year,
-Matthew

The Day After Today

So yesterday, I managed to piss off two close acquaintances and play a terrible concert. Life felt sort of bleak when I got home, so I decided to transfer my roommate's keyboard (which is stored in the garage) to my room to hopefully cheer myself up. The toy like sounds that came from my four year old earphones sounded miserable... but maybe that was just my playing. Gosh I think the highlight of my day may have been an argument I had over movie aesthetics in the afternoon... or maybe the roast beef subway haha.

Anyway, I didn't really like yesterday, but today I had a ton of fun to make up for it!

I got new headphones in the mail from Amazon (two day shipping is pretty awesome) which made my mp3 player pretty good (and later the keyboard!). I guess I did a well at work because one of my fussier tutees actually admitted she learned a lot today. I had an EXQUISITE dinner (courtesy of Popeye's) with some buddies and brought some chicken home for my roommate.

Man... I think I know how my Dad must have felt when he bought me Pokemon Yellow back in the day... Because my roommate literally screamed when he saw the "present" I had for him. It was like Christmas at the end of November. Our house glittered with festive spirit as we watched Celebrity Jeopardy videos.

For all the nonsense that happened yesterday, just a few good events with the right company can really pacify the anxiety. And thinking about it, the weekend before yesterday was pretty damn pleasant and so was Thanksgiving break. I guess it's pretty easy to get really sore from one day of the month when the rest of your calender has had good fortune. I should just stick to counting my blessings.

Merry Christmas Eve^25
-Matthew

1 - 2

Today I was thinking about my attitude when I was growing up and how certain bad attitudes have dwelled within me since childhood. It all began with a quick ping pong game...

I was rallying with a buddy as a celebratory activity after (what seems to be) a good midterm when he suddenly exclaimed, "Hey man! Let's play a game!" I replied that I didn't really like playing games because I hated competition and preferred to enjoy hobbies as benign amusements; not as skills. After a lot of insistence, I reluctantly consented.

So as we rallied for the first serve, I thought about why I hated competition so much. I somehow thought about how I also hated verbal arguments because I always assumed someone would insist a wrongful point of view with conviction. And so I made the connection that the reason I didn't like competing was because I didn't like the idea that people lost.

Speaking of which, I lost the service rally. He made his opening serve and I resumed my pensiveness.

I considered what I do during arguments. If I'm not too riled up, I would think about what point I'm trying to make in the argument, then think about my opponent's responses, and then maybe see if there are any miscommunications, mistakes or connections between our respective opinions. A lot of the time, the argument would end with a resolution that generally made each party more informed. Either way, there would be no definitive loser.

So I asked myself, is losing in a competitive manner so absolute? Can a game of ping pong, or any competition, have an outcome that is beyond winning and losing?

I won the first set, which made me implode with satisfaction. I sat down to rest and watch some of my other friends play their own game. As my victory high simmered down, I thought about how pleased I was with my win, and then about how much I hated the thought of losing. After running through several memories where I won and I lost at some sort of game, I decided that I clearly hated losing more than I liked winning.

This is interesting, because when I was younger, I hated losing to the point that I would avoid participating in any form of competition. I would hate playing tennis when my opponent took the offensive and my morale would wither if my brother got an extra "hadouken" on me in Street Fighter. I realized that I never got good at anything because I was so averse to any possibility of failure.

It was my turn again. I had to rematch my rival of one game with hopes that I would be the decisive victor in our little contest. I quickly took a significant lead and maintained it until match point. He needed to score five points in a row just to enter a deuce, and then he had to win by two. I didn't intend to give him the opportunity.

But intentions don't necessarily mean results. He slowly took each point after a prolonged, conservative rally of attrition. Time slackened even more as I dwelled on every miss I made, every net I hit. My stamina diminished every turn as we grew closer to the dreaded tiebreaker, which occurred seemingly inevitably after I made my fifth consecutive error.

I started to think again during the deuce, which is probably the worst thing to do when you're trapped in a crucial moment. Why was I so nervously fragile while I held a lead? How did I allow the chasm between us to dwindle into nothing? I continued to question myself during our short tiebreaker, which he won after a smash.

I lost.

But I recalled all the thoughts I had during the game. I decided that losing this game was exactly what I needed. I'm probably too old to be good at nothing, and I need to shake under some pressure before I can get better at what I do. It'll probably help me with those sensitive "clutch" moments, too.

So I guess I learned a lot from losing, which makes it somewhat bearable and less absolute. Oh and I probably got nominally better at ping pong, too. In any case, mark my words:

I will have the final smash.

(in ping pong and in Smash [Melee])

Have a nice day,
-Matthew

Stuff I discussed with one of my friends

A few weeks ago, I had a discussion with my friend. He was dictating to me an argument he had with his mom and how he couldn't win even though all of his actions and explanations were logically understandable. A week later, I had a eerily similar conversation with another friend who had a small feud with his girlfriend. He essentially said the same thing; that his girlfriend didn't really give him a chance to defend himself (as if she wanted to vilify him). In addition, both of my friends decided to make the blanket statement, "Girls can't be wrong. And if they are, you're more wrong."

After hearing this statement a second time, I brushed it off as a harsh generalization that would only capture the truth in small group of people. Then I thought about it. I thought about all the arguments with women I've known throughout the years (more specifically the arguments I felt I was in the right and deserved an apology for). In my analysis, I realized that out of these situations, I could probably count with one hand how many direct, noticeably sincere apologies I've received (one of which was after a woman backed up her car into my while I was biking). Even of the most benevolent, meek girls I've met, I generally receive apologies that essentially say "I'm sorry you feel that way," as opposed to being sorry for what they have done.

[Too be fair, there were MANY MORE situations where I had to apologize.]

My thoughts escalated to a boiling point when my mom called me today nagging and yelling at me to do something or other. After legitimizing my actions, I told her not to judge me until she understand the entire situation. She floundered with her words without apologizing and directed more argumentative statements at other aspects of my life. At this point, I was pretty annoyed and nearly convinced that what my friends had told me was, for the most part, true.

But as things died down, she started to rant about her new job. How her boss expected difficult tasks and that the machines she uses at the new workplace were unfamiliar and hard to get used to. She ended her monologue by saying in an exasperated voice, "It's... it's just so hard."

And I guess that's when I understood why she was so naggy with me. She was directing all the negative energy she had towards her new job, an unfamiliar situation, onto me, a close relative. All of her scolding was simply grumpiness and workplace angst, which I experience all the time, (which I will admit, leads to me discharging my negativity to close friends and classmates). I don't think I have a lot in common with my mother; our hobbies, lifestyles and morals are quite different. At this moment, however, I felt very close with her.

And so as I simmered down, I thought about my developing prejudice towards girls again. I decided that EVEN IF most girls are obstinate arguers, it could be because they are close to you and need an outlet for things they cannot control. I won't take unjustified arguing lying down, but I guess I'll accept any that appears to be bottled-up stress as signs of intimacy and familiarity.

Have a nice day
-Matthew