Guitar and the Abstract Truth

As a bass player, wannabe-pianist and ex-trumpet player, my primary focus while listening to music is to catch bass lines, harmony and melody. For quite some time, those three items alone comprised my appreciation for music. About a year ago, I picked up guitar for fun and started learning all sorts of songs. It was then that I started perceiving music in a new and completely different way.

After figuring out basic chords and strum patterns, I noticed that singing lyrics while playing actually forced me to know what the lyrics were about. For a guy who pretty much "La-La-La'd" his way through a college music program, this is a HUGE development. Paying attention to lyrics gave me appreciation for songs I didn't like before, and a completely new perception of songs that I thought I knew very well.

One of my favorite songs right now is "Two Way Street" by Kimbra. You may know her as the girl who sings in "Somebody That I Used To Know." Anyway, one of my main complaints when I first listened to this song was that she only sings during the very first half of the song. The rest of the song is filled with prolonged vocal ad-libs that sounds like Christina Aguilera giving birth to Mariah Carey. Though I didn't think it was perfect, I liked the first two minutes of the song (when she actually uses words) enough to actually learn it. It was then that I realized that the song was much more than I thought it was.


Essentially, the song is about how Kimbra has opened her heart to someone and that there is no barrier preventing that person from claiming her love. With that said, she implies that this gentleman has to reciprocate her sentiments for their love to be true (because love is a "two way street"). With this in mind, the "empty" second half of the song may represent the lack of a response from her man, which makes Kimbra's effusive declaration in the first half tragically unrequited. I'm sure there are plenty alternate explanations, but interpreting the lyrics to this song was essential to justify its bizarre musical structure for me.

Now, for those of you who are thinking, "Man this guy is a total BOOB! You obviously have to listen to lyrics to appreciate music," I'd like to challenge you to reconsider one of the simplest, most misunderstood songs of all time:



Even though this song lit up your middle/high school dances with guileless feel-goodery, "Hey Ya!" upon second glance, is incredibly depressing. In between the repetitive "HEEEEYYYY YAAAAA's" the song describes a broken relationship where a man no longer loves his woman and she in turn is losing interest. If you were too busy "shakin' it like a Polaroid picture" to catch that, don't worry. The song is aware of its unknowing listeners!

"Y'all don't want to hear me/You just wanna dance"

Several of my teachers have distinctly told me that to fully understand a song, one must refer to the lyrics. I'm relieved that I've finally taken their advice and that there are still discoveries to be made in music. Now, please excuse me while I try to analyze the lyrical nuances of the greatest song of all time.

Have a nice day,
Matthew

Guilty Pleasure Songs

When people find out I studied music in college, they usually ask me what sort of music I like. My simple answer to this question is that I pretty much dislike ALL types of music, but there are millions of exceptions that I love. I generally judge my music by song or artist rather than genre, which has led me to like a pretty weird variety of music.

An interesting fact about my musical interests is that, despite growing up in church and in a conservative family, I have no moral proclivities when choosing the music I listen to. I like quite a few songs that have terrible, socially irresponsible lyrics. Here's a brief list of some of my favorite awful, awful songs. Enjoy if you dare!

"Drank in My Cup" - Kirko Bangz

Worst Line: "Ain't tryin' to love you baby, just f*** you instead."
What it's about: Typical self-aggrandizing hip hop artist talking about his sexual exploits and how he wants nothing more from women except sex.
Why I like it: I like this song mostly because the harmony (chords) fit well with its super simple melody. Also, some of his rhyming repetitions are good enough that I forget that I just listened to a song by a guy named "Kirko Bangz."

"Quickie" by Miguel





Worst Line: "I don't want to be loved, I don't want to be loved/I just want a quickie"
What it's about: Typical self-aggrandizing RnB artist talking about his sexual exploits and how he wants nothing more from women except sex.
Why I like it: The bass line, guitar lines and beats are all top notch. In addition, all the melodies and vocal harmonies are stunning. Personally, I think the song is well written, but the lyrics are too controversial to receive widespread radio play.

"Super Bass" by Nicki Minaj





Worst Line: "When he gimme that look then them panties coming off, off"
What it's about: Typical self-aggrandizing rapper talking about her sexual exploits, how her heart beats for hot, successful people and.... that pelicans fly?
Why I like it: A lot of complaints for Nicki Minaj are that her lyrics make no sense and that she makes a lot of weird noises. Considering that this song is about the incomprehensible feelings one has for a crush, Nicki's typical gibberish is oddly appropriate. Musically, the hook is raw and beautiful and the guitar lines have a cool counterpoint with the bass drum and keyboard synths.

"It's in the Mornin'" by Robin Thicke

Worst Line: "Let me put some CREAM in your COFFEE"
What it's about: Typical self-aggrandizing RnB artist talking about his sexual exploits. Also, if you listen REALLY carefully, you may hear him talking about having sex in the morning.
Why I like it: One Word: Falsetto. Also, Snoop Dogg!

"No Bulls***" by Chris Brown



Worst Line: IT'S ALL BAD
What it's about: A step by step description of what a self-aggrandizing RnB singer wants to do with his lady.
Why I like it: Pretty much all musical aspects of this song are just beautiful. Whatever opinion you have about Chris Brown, he's a damn good singer. With that said, there's no denying that the lyrics gets are quite explicit.

Have a nice day,
Matthew

Conscience Personified

Last week I received a noise complaint. It was around 11 at night and I was practicing really repetitive exercises on my guitar when I heard a loud knocking at my door. When I opened it, a small, but tough-looking, security guard curtly stated, "I got a call about a noise complaint," and asked, "Were you playing guitar?" I replied, "Yeah that was me. I'll stop. Sorry about that," and he left me alone.

I wasn't particularly angry at the security guard or my neighbor (though they could be a bit more considerate with their Thirsty Thursday-romping), but I was a bit upset with myself. I had received several "unofficial" noise complaints in the form of obnoxious pounding on the walls a week earlier while I was practicing for an upcoming lesson. I guess part of me just wanted to conveniently forget the courtesy of saving my neighbors from my boring practice regimens.

I often forget what I'm supposed to do with my life. I'm young, poor and foolish and while the path to my future is extremely linear, I generally choose to chase after my own tail like the dumb dog I am. I wish there was a small, tough-looking security guard in me to remind me every once in a while how I'm goofing up. I don't need any lengthy lectures or sermons on why I'm doing things wrong; I already know that I am. I just need a voice in my head that says "YOU DUN GOOFED" and forces me to playing guitar just a little softer.

As for my neighbors, I'll send security over to their house next time they play "Let's Stomp Like Dinosaurs" after midterm season is over.

~~~

On Monday, August 24, 2009, I wrote this on my Xanga:

Sometimes, my genius makes me smile.
More times, my stupidity makes me laugh.

In reaction, I smiled and then I laughed. Thought that would be fun to share!

Have a nice day,
Matthew

Three Wrongs

On the way to work a couple weeks ago, I attempted to bypass the congestion on a certain highway by switching lanes, passing all the people who were waiting patiently for the exit I needed to take. When the exit approached, I slowed down and signaled to merge back in, only to be met with a cacophony of angry honking from a green Prius. It was evident that I was Tuesday morning's villain and I chuckled at my greed while I took the wrong exit and backtracked my way to work.

Having learned my lesson, I stayed in the correct, congested exit lane on my way back from work the very same day. As I slowly neared the exit, a red pickup truck quickly passed me on the left and recklessly merged into my lane without any indication. He had committed the exact sin I received a symphony of car horns for just nine hours prior. While a part of me naturally congratulated the red pickup truck for getting away with it, another part felt cheated that I was stigmatized when I was the culprit and then wronged when I was the victim.

Last week, I visited a friend to celebrate somewhat of a milestone in her academic career. What I didn't know was that she also invited a friend who despises me to an [almost] hilarious extent. Not only did she not say hello or goodbye to me, the only time this girl acknowledged my presence was when she was telling my friend (who is very polite) to not apologize to me for driving two hours North to visit her.

Situations like these are sort of bewildering to me. What are you supposed to do when someone is this visibly disrespectful to you? I wanted to scold her for treating me so coldly. I also wanted to just turn away from her and say "I don't care about assholes who hold on to grudges for five years out of high school." There were so many instances during last week's reunion where I just wanted to react. I wanted to make her aware that she was being rude to me, just like how a green Prius gave me a 120 decibel indication of his anger on Tuesday morning.

The reason why I didn't was because the way I saw it, I didn't feel entitled enough to do it. While I thought that the red pickup truck was inconsiderate, I didn't exactly love the sound of the green Prius's car horn. If I were to react negatively to her rudeness, I would just be that annoying guy behind her honking away at a red truck that would just get away with it. On the flip side, my high school actions may have made me as guilty the red car, where I should at least consider my culpability and not need a green Prius to tell me better. Either way, I didn't want to be the guy who was wronging her or the guy that was telling her she was wrong.

I guess it's this reoccurring dilemma that has defined many of my decisions in the past few weeks. It's why I took the long route to work when a green Prius honked at me, why I didn't bother reacting to a red truck that cut me off and why I smiled and waved goodbye to the cold shoulder of an acquaintance that hates me.

Have a nice day,
-Matthew

Today's Horrendous, Irredeemable Atrocity

It's been a long time since I've felt the weariness that appends an eight-hour work day. Sometimes, the post-work stupor is so intense that I do terrible, unthinkable things. I've been known to be a pretty oblivious and inconsiderate person, but today I did something that made me feel so guilty, I literally ran out of the house.

After I arrived home following an intense battle with 5:00 rush hour, I voraciously gorged myself with some un-microwaved leftovers. They were pretty spicy leftovers, so right after I finished, I briskly moved to the fridge past my roommate and grabbed a carton of milk. After realizing there were only a few sips left, I quickly guzzled it down without noticing the strange stares my roommate was beaming in my direction.

"REALLY!?!?!?!?"

Shocked, I looked up to see my fuming roommate, then at the chocolate ice cream in front of him and then at the blender next to the ice cream.

I had unknowingly choc-blocked my roommate.

Friends who I've been close with in the past year know that I am OBSESSED with milkshakes. To me, what I had done was a sin so egregious it should have been payable with death. Immediately after I recognized my treachery, I loudly apologized and sped over to the closest store to buy a new gallon.

And that's why you never leave the jalapeños in your Vietnamese sandwich overnight!

Have a nice day,
-Matthew

Dreaming in Slow Motion

In an attempt to look and act more like Bruce Lee, I took martial arts lessons for a few years when I was still a kid. It was a huge mistake. I quickly started to hate Karate because we would do boring repetitive tasks (like running and horse stance-ing) instead of the awesome spin kicks you see in Enter the Dragon. Plus, I was discouraged by the fact that I didn't get a six-pack within a few days (blame that on my pizza- and taco-eating habits [see last post]).

Despite disliking Karate, I actually really enjoyed the errands my mom and I would do after lessons. These trips weren't glamorous at all, but they held a certain intimacy I have never been able to emulate since I've grown up. We would visit Lucky's (the grocery store now known as Albertsons), maybe stop by at the nearby Mexican restaurant for a bean burrito and walk along a pier that overlooked the local lagoon, all while holding hands. We would then drive home and listen to the SPECTACULAR 90's pop music available on radio (This one was my favorite). If we arrived home before a song ended, we stayed in the car and let the song finish before lugging our groceries inside.

While I still love grocery shopping and Mexican food, I stopped waiting for my favorite songs to end after I started driving myself. Since I've grown up, I have a lot of responsibilities now that constantly tug at my sense of urgency, which pesters me whenever I waste a productive moment. That said, this past month I talked to a few friends that made a few interesting remarks that made me reconsider my extinct habit.

My piano teacher (who is a very busy and extremely forward-minded person) was mentioning that one of the main criticisms her own teacher had of her was that she rarely lived in the present. All of my teacher's present activities were predestined by her own plans and conducted with the future in mind. Her teacher noted the fallacy in performing music, an art form that frequently dwells on what is immediate, while lost in thoughts of future endeavors.

I'd say the majority of people I know don't like taking the bus home, so I generally offer my friends rides. One of them, however, declined a couple times and said she could just take the bus. When I asked her why she preferred a slower method of transportation than the one I offered, she said, "I don't understand why people hate bus so much. I like bus," (she's an immigrant, so don't blame me for bad grammar). That was her simple reasoning for not accepting a ride. "I like bus."

I guess what my teacher's teacher was trying to say, what my friend demonstrates with her ride-boycotting and what my mom showed me when we were finishing our songs is that there is a lot beauty in moments of care-free inefficiency. Basically, good music only comes when you're not constantly staring at your planner; it's nice to take public transit, even though its longer, when you're not in a hurry; there's no harm in letting some raw chicken sit in your car for a few more minutes if you're enjoying some cheesy 90's pop songs.

Today, as I arrived home after a performance that marked the end of a long week of rehearsals and other performances, one of my favorite songs started to play. My hand was on my keys about to shut off the radio when I remembered what my friends said and what my mom did. I uncomfortably released my grip and rested my head. I felt relaxed as I slowly drowned in the song.

"You think I'm pretty without any makeup on..."

Have a nice day,
-Matthew

Friday by Numbers and SPEED RACER

1. 5th: Iteration of "the Fast and the Furious" franchise I watched.

2. 12: Time I woke up (post meridian). Also the cost (in dollars) for my movie ticket.

3. 4 1/2: How long it took me to donate blood (in minutes).

4. 85+: SPF (Sun Protection Factor) sunblock I used.

5. 2.50: Cost (in dollars) of Saba sushi (Mackerel, six pieces).

6. 10: Number of tacos I received from Taco Bell when I ordered a 12 taco party pack.

If there was a theme for this past week, it would be speed. Obviously, watching Fast Five was a pretty swift (and furious if I may add) way to end my week. Most notably, however, I donated blood in a record time today which shocked the nurse who was "sticking me" (her words, not mine). She scolded me for it, saying something about how donating blood too quickly could be unsafe. What does a registered nurse know about donating blood? MY BLOOD DOES NOT PLAY GAMES, LADY. In any case, I forgave her because she let me take some Cheez-Its home along with some blood donation stickers and an ugly "blood bash" t-shirt.

A couple of kids I tutor were also smitten with the speed demon this past week. They were attempting to blaze through their math homework with no regard for the careful logic math requires. Problem after problem, I had to explain to each of them that it was their obsession with speed, not their lack of knowledge, that was causing them to make repeated errors. It was a pretty frustrating week for tutoring.

That said, I value those struggling students more than my gifted ones (to some extent) because I was am certainly one of those people who haphazardly attempts to finish tasks with little attention for quality. My dad's criticized me on multiple occasions about how I try to do everything as fast as I can without any logical motive or destination. Gosh, I still remember all the times I'd try to eat my pizza faster than the rest of my family just for competition's sake (Papa Murphy was probably shaking his head in disapproval). It was fun I suppose, but it probably wasn't worth all the coughing fits I had from the pizza crusts I stuffed down my throat.

Dealing with reflections of my past self is difficult and sometimes aggravating, but I'm pleased that it forces me to consider whether I've actually progressed at all since I was trying to sprint past my math problems and beat my family at nonexistent pizza-eating contests. Perhaps four and a half minutes is a blood-donating record I shouldn't break.

Have a nice day,
-Matthew

No Leo, No Juno

Though I forget the vast majority of my dreams, the strange anxiousness that lingers after sleeping indicates that I have really weird ones. Sometimes, they're so bizarre that I manage to remember them so I can forever be tormented by their strangeness. Today while napping in my incredibly uncomfortable car, I had one of those dreams. Here's a few of the things that happened while I was sleeping:

-Tokyo-chan, the band I played with for a Japanese benefit concert, was having a photoshoot with the self timer of a point-and-shoot camera (even in my dreams we're a ghetto band...). For some reason, I was doing some weird dance pose for the camera and my head was disproportionally big. I was very self-conscious of my head and wanted to un-tag myself from the facebook album that was going to be made.

-A mystery man (in the dream, I literally saw a question mark wherever he was) was somehow hypnotically suggesting things to me and a group of people. When I told a friend that I was being hypnotized, he claimed that he had been manipulating me since the day we met. This was VERY inception-esque.

-Probably the most memorable part of this dream was watching some scenes from a video game I've been playing (which pretty much tells me I've been playing too much). Anyway, the story in my dream (which completely differs from that of the actual game) was about how the main character just received a cushy job in the army and when he was going to an office to accept the position, he found himself having to save the girl he loved from some unexplained peril. After the incident, she somehow disappeared and the hero rushed to the office only to find that the job he was pursuing was taken by another applicant while he was off do-gooding. A pretty sad story isn't it?

-Ryoko, a woman who hangs around the music department, randomly went in my car and expected me to give her a ride. When I told her that I wasn't driving anywhere, she started singing. [Actually, this is not weird at all. This situation is completely believable]

These may seem like pretty normal situations, but realize this all happened in the same dream. Somehow when I was dreaming, all these things connected with each other; the part about how I was being hypnotized was somehow related to my band's photoshoot and the stuff Ryoko was singing to me. I'm not going to go about psychoanalyzing my weird crackpot dreams, but man... Carl Jung would have loved this.

Have a nice day,
-Matthew

Almost Empty

Three years ago during a tough time, I bought a pack of cigarettes. They were cheap menthols that seasoned smokers scoff at and newbies choke on, but when the consciousness of my mind was bleak and the air around me was heavy, each one gave me about five minutes of smokey, self-detrimental solace. Truly, they were a guilty pleasure proscribed to only the darkest, gloomiest days in my life. Today, I have two leftover.

Clearly, the fact that I still have some leftovers despite such a long ownership indicates that I am a VERY occasional smoker. If anyone reads this and is worried in the slightest bit, please realize this is a pack/3+ years "habit" and I highly doubt it will ever result in anything remotely resembling those terrifying smoking PSA's.

Anyway, this pack, though seldomly excavated from the CVS bag it came from, has seen a lot of things in my life. Three years ago when I first purchased them, I smoked a couple after I was rejected by a girl I liked. Last year, I had one or two after a demoralizing conversation with my mom. I smoked on several different occasions when certain friends did not hold their promises as well as I had hoped and, most recently, I had two when I came to the realization that I was chasing after the wrong girl (see last post [LAUGH OUT LOUD]). The rest I infrequently used whenever I faced torturous bouts of loneliness.

I'm not going to say cigarettes are great or that they're even good. When I have to taste of my extremely stale cigarettes I usually wince and cough for a bit before I take a second drag. I will say, however, that they dull down the pain a little and, in my experience, help you swallow the bitter, nasty truth of your situation one breath at a time. I don't like getting stuck in my depression. An occasional disgusting cigarette helps me cope a little with the uncomfortable steps I have to take to climb out of my sadness. I'll do my best to keep my last two for as long as possible. FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!

Have a nice day,
-Matthew

One I Love

A few nights ago, I was really smitten by a girl and construed a lot of her actions as signs that she may have felt something as well. Today, I was thinking about all those signs and realized that all of them could have actually been just circumstantial or explained for different reasons. All those times we locked our eyes could have easily been because my hair looked odd (which it did) or because my jokes were uproariously hilarious (which they weren't).

I feel there are a lot of times where I can't really trust my own viewpoint. I feel that so much of what I perceive is subjective and I lack the discernment to determine what I should take home from my surrounding events. It's as if my mind naturally gravitates towards insincere fantasies that break like glass and reveal a terrible disfigured reality. Clearly, I was so entranced by that girl's presence that I would only allow myself to believe in what I wanted. Now, that I'm finally considering alternate explanations, I just want to run back to my precious mirage and just hope it's all true.

I just had dinner with my dad, and he was sort of reprimanding me for not figuring out my future. He told me bluntly that if I just kept dreaming without executing any plans, I would get nothing done. And I think he's right. I've been fooling myself about the future for quite some time now, and I guess I had better get out of the illusion that I can be a rock star no matter how much my mind convinces me it's a feasible occupation.

After dinner, he told me that he didn't like the fact that he had to pressure his kids into independence, but he knew he had to do it for the greater good. I can't really trust my intuition when considering that girl I was mentioning above, but I know I can believe my dad's benevolent intentions. That said, I still have a crush on that girl cause she's SMOKING HOT.

Have a nice day,
-Matthew

Year in Review

2010 was a good year. I could probably give lengthy anecdotes or explanations behind all items in this list, but I figured the point of summarizing my year is brevity.

Movies I enjoyed the most in 2010
-Inception
-Back to the Future
-Hear Me
-Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
-Mystery Team

Music I enjoyed a lot in 2010
-"Nothin' on You" by B.O.B.
-"Lisztomania" by Phoenix
-"Holdin You Down" by Jazmine Sullivan
-106.1 for it's exceptionally ghetto music.
-"Bounce Baby" by Danny Sanchez
-"Tall Drink of Water" by John Ellis
-"Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry
-"Space Cowboy" by Jamiroquai

Things that happened that I will never forget
-Meeting THE MOST RIDICULOUS person ever.
-Having a great rival
-Almost having a mental breakdown
-Getting depressed after a really bad performance
-Birthday parties down town and in PB
-Vegas
-Playing with Steve Smith
-Three confrontations.

Other notable things
-Discovering Popeyes and enjoying its positive effects on roommate relations.
-Getting new headphones (for the first time in four years)
-Going to the gym and enjoying snacks afterward.
-Discovering Pokemon Lab
-Buying something more than just a few hundred bucks for the first time in four years.
-Getting a job
-Muir Musical

Lessons Learned/Revelations
-If everyone was a LITTLE BIT more/less _______, the world would be a better place.
-INTEGRITY is the key to life.
-I'm just NOT SURE about the future right now.
-Music industry is NOT GOOD RIGHT NOW
-FARTS (Forced ARTificial Scarcity) will rule the world in the future.
-It's important to be OBJECTIVE, NOT EMOTIONAL, when experiencing neglect/rejection.
-DON'T FIX what's not broken.
-True friends stick around.

Resolutions
-Transcribe at least a little
-Find a church
-Study math for once
-Graduate
-Figure some of it out
-Be a better person

Have a nice year,
-Matthew

The Day After Today

So yesterday, I managed to piss off two close acquaintances and play a terrible concert. Life felt sort of bleak when I got home, so I decided to transfer my roommate's keyboard (which is stored in the garage) to my room to hopefully cheer myself up. The toy like sounds that came from my four year old earphones sounded miserable... but maybe that was just my playing. Gosh I think the highlight of my day may have been an argument I had over movie aesthetics in the afternoon... or maybe the roast beef subway haha.

Anyway, I didn't really like yesterday, but today I had a ton of fun to make up for it!

I got new headphones in the mail from Amazon (two day shipping is pretty awesome) which made my mp3 player pretty good (and later the keyboard!). I guess I did a well at work because one of my fussier tutees actually admitted she learned a lot today. I had an EXQUISITE dinner (courtesy of Popeye's) with some buddies and brought some chicken home for my roommate.

Man... I think I know how my Dad must have felt when he bought me Pokemon Yellow back in the day... Because my roommate literally screamed when he saw the "present" I had for him. It was like Christmas at the end of November. Our house glittered with festive spirit as we watched Celebrity Jeopardy videos.

For all the nonsense that happened yesterday, just a few good events with the right company can really pacify the anxiety. And thinking about it, the weekend before yesterday was pretty damn pleasant and so was Thanksgiving break. I guess it's pretty easy to get really sore from one day of the month when the rest of your calender has had good fortune. I should just stick to counting my blessings.

Merry Christmas Eve^25
-Matthew

1 - 2

Today I was thinking about my attitude when I was growing up and how certain bad attitudes have dwelled within me since childhood. It all began with a quick ping pong game...

I was rallying with a buddy as a celebratory activity after (what seems to be) a good midterm when he suddenly exclaimed, "Hey man! Let's play a game!" I replied that I didn't really like playing games because I hated competition and preferred to enjoy hobbies as benign amusements; not as skills. After a lot of insistence, I reluctantly consented.

So as we rallied for the first serve, I thought about why I hated competition so much. I somehow thought about how I also hated verbal arguments because I always assumed someone would insist a wrongful point of view with conviction. And so I made the connection that the reason I didn't like competing was because I didn't like the idea that people lost.

Speaking of which, I lost the service rally. He made his opening serve and I resumed my pensiveness.

I considered what I do during arguments. If I'm not too riled up, I would think about what point I'm trying to make in the argument, then think about my opponent's responses, and then maybe see if there are any miscommunications, mistakes or connections between our respective opinions. A lot of the time, the argument would end with a resolution that generally made each party more informed. Either way, there would be no definitive loser.

So I asked myself, is losing in a competitive manner so absolute? Can a game of ping pong, or any competition, have an outcome that is beyond winning and losing?

I won the first set, which made me implode with satisfaction. I sat down to rest and watch some of my other friends play their own game. As my victory high simmered down, I thought about how pleased I was with my win, and then about how much I hated the thought of losing. After running through several memories where I won and I lost at some sort of game, I decided that I clearly hated losing more than I liked winning.

This is interesting, because when I was younger, I hated losing to the point that I would avoid participating in any form of competition. I would hate playing tennis when my opponent took the offensive and my morale would wither if my brother got an extra "hadouken" on me in Street Fighter. I realized that I never got good at anything because I was so averse to any possibility of failure.

It was my turn again. I had to rematch my rival of one game with hopes that I would be the decisive victor in our little contest. I quickly took a significant lead and maintained it until match point. He needed to score five points in a row just to enter a deuce, and then he had to win by two. I didn't intend to give him the opportunity.

But intentions don't necessarily mean results. He slowly took each point after a prolonged, conservative rally of attrition. Time slackened even more as I dwelled on every miss I made, every net I hit. My stamina diminished every turn as we grew closer to the dreaded tiebreaker, which occurred seemingly inevitably after I made my fifth consecutive error.

I started to think again during the deuce, which is probably the worst thing to do when you're trapped in a crucial moment. Why was I so nervously fragile while I held a lead? How did I allow the chasm between us to dwindle into nothing? I continued to question myself during our short tiebreaker, which he won after a smash.

I lost.

But I recalled all the thoughts I had during the game. I decided that losing this game was exactly what I needed. I'm probably too old to be good at nothing, and I need to shake under some pressure before I can get better at what I do. It'll probably help me with those sensitive "clutch" moments, too.

So I guess I learned a lot from losing, which makes it somewhat bearable and less absolute. Oh and I probably got nominally better at ping pong, too. In any case, mark my words:

I will have the final smash.

(in ping pong and in Smash [Melee])

Have a nice day,
-Matthew

Stuff I discussed with one of my friends

A few weeks ago, I had a discussion with my friend. He was dictating to me an argument he had with his mom and how he couldn't win even though all of his actions and explanations were logically understandable. A week later, I had a eerily similar conversation with another friend who had a small feud with his girlfriend. He essentially said the same thing; that his girlfriend didn't really give him a chance to defend himself (as if she wanted to vilify him). In addition, both of my friends decided to make the blanket statement, "Girls can't be wrong. And if they are, you're more wrong."

After hearing this statement a second time, I brushed it off as a harsh generalization that would only capture the truth in small group of people. Then I thought about it. I thought about all the arguments with women I've known throughout the years (more specifically the arguments I felt I was in the right and deserved an apology for). In my analysis, I realized that out of these situations, I could probably count with one hand how many direct, noticeably sincere apologies I've received (one of which was after a woman backed up her car into my while I was biking). Even of the most benevolent, meek girls I've met, I generally receive apologies that essentially say "I'm sorry you feel that way," as opposed to being sorry for what they have done.

[Too be fair, there were MANY MORE situations where I had to apologize.]

My thoughts escalated to a boiling point when my mom called me today nagging and yelling at me to do something or other. After legitimizing my actions, I told her not to judge me until she understand the entire situation. She floundered with her words without apologizing and directed more argumentative statements at other aspects of my life. At this point, I was pretty annoyed and nearly convinced that what my friends had told me was, for the most part, true.

But as things died down, she started to rant about her new job. How her boss expected difficult tasks and that the machines she uses at the new workplace were unfamiliar and hard to get used to. She ended her monologue by saying in an exasperated voice, "It's... it's just so hard."

And I guess that's when I understood why she was so naggy with me. She was directing all the negative energy she had towards her new job, an unfamiliar situation, onto me, a close relative. All of her scolding was simply grumpiness and workplace angst, which I experience all the time, (which I will admit, leads to me discharging my negativity to close friends and classmates). I don't think I have a lot in common with my mother; our hobbies, lifestyles and morals are quite different. At this moment, however, I felt very close with her.

And so as I simmered down, I thought about my developing prejudice towards girls again. I decided that EVEN IF most girls are obstinate arguers, it could be because they are close to you and need an outlet for things they cannot control. I won't take unjustified arguing lying down, but I guess I'll accept any that appears to be bottled-up stress as signs of intimacy and familiarity.

Have a nice day
-Matthew

Time Capsule

I did this survey over a year ago. the italics are what I would put now. If there is no italics, then I have made no changes.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Matthew
2. Matt (I guess)
3. Many people call me Litrus.

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. GoodMisterWombat
2. mlitrus
3. beanman135

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Being taller than 5'- After Alexander Technique, I like my hands and fingers
2. I sort of like my eyes - After Alexander Technique, I like my feet
3. - I guess I still sort of like my eyes

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Being taller than 6' - A weak stomach
2. Hair - The lack of toned muscle.
3. Having a weak body - Sometimes, my nose annoys me

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. American culturally
2. Indonesian parents
3. Chinese by blood

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Caterpillars or creepy crawly things by convention.
2. Being an insurance salesman - Facing rejection due to inadequacy I am blind to see
3. Loneliness - Acting foolish without knowing

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Most of the time, I carry around a wallet,
2. cell phone
3. and keys. - Now I also carry around a pocket planner (in my butt pocket) and chapstick.

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Glasses
2. Boxers
3. - ...Nothing has changed

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Tokyo Jihen - Robert Glasper
2. Charles Mingus - Bill Evans
3. Phoenix - Hank Jones

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
1. At the moment, "Kaban no Nakami" by Tokyo Jihen - "Waltz for Debby" by Bill Evans
2. "Every New Day" by Five Iron Frenzy - "Sweet Spot" by Tokyo Jihen
3. "Kid Charlemagne" by Steely Dan - "Beatrice" by Sam Rivers (performed by Robert Glasper)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Love. haha - I guess this was somewhat of an unfair answer. Other than the obvious, I would want someone who cares,
2. - is clear about her intentions
3. - and possesses emotional range.

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. I enjoy cold showers. - Here's a new set: I don't enjoy love stories.
2. I enjoy grocery shopping. - I don't enjoy doing dishes.
3. I enjoy the smell of some cigarette smoke. - I don't enjoy smoking cigarettes.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Pleasant face. - In addition,
2. Moderately tall. - Not too thin, not too chubby (Qualifier: Not emaciated, not fat)
3. A nice smile. - Generally well kept (she takes showers)

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Playing music - In addition,
2. Smash - Bumming around with friends
3. Reading news sites and blogs. - Exercising while playing Pokemon.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Have a consistent band. - Play piano well in groups
2. Breath deeply in comfort. - Understand bass rhythms and lines. [Remark: I can breathe very comfortably now thanks to Alexander lessons]
3. Get better at/understand jazz. - Figure out my future. Get a job.

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. Something about the movies. - All of these at once.
2. A musician of some sort.
3. Math teacher

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Japan
2. Hawaii
3. Home (is that valid?)

THREE KID'S NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Katherine
2. Jean (a name for boys)
3. Marcus is a very cool name (I wouldn't give it my kids though) - Actually, I would consider giving it to one of my kids (if any).

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Be a difference in one way or another.
2. I'd hope to marry
3. Be a better musician.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. I use conditioner (I have cat hair otherwise!) - In addition,
2. I like quiche (HAHA I don't know if this is feminie or not) - I have bad alcohol tolerance
3. I like to shop. - I like singing girl parts. Falsetto is super fun.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. I can eat well. - In addition,
2. I avoid "chick flicks" - I am whimsical and not myself when I'm with pretty girls (this is science)
3. I play smash. - I am a pretty dirty/disorganized person.

THREE PEOPLE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
1. Abraham Lincoln - You,
2. Ellen Degeneres - A person you would like to see take this quiz now,
3. Maybe my Dad. - and a person you would not like to see take this quiz now.

I guess I haven't changed too much since last year.

Have a nice day,
-Matthew

Lists 2

Movies I enjoyed the most in 2009
Silence of the Lambs - I think it deserved all the awards it received.
The Empire Strikes Back - I don't think I understood how cool this movie is when I was a kid. Re-watching it was a blast!
Ip Man - Sort of obscure, but worth the search. Very good action and cinematography.
Up - I like Kevin the bird a lot.
Zombieland - Entertaining, ridiculous and--most importantly--doesn't take itself seriously.

Musicians I discovered (or re-discovered) in 2009 that I really like
Robert Glasper (Canvas and In My Element)
Bill Evans (Sunday at the Village Vanguard)
Hiromi Uehara (Beyond Standard)
m-flo ("Summer Time Love," "Miss You," "Come Again" and "Love Bug.")
Auto-Tune the News (My rankings from best to worse: 5, 6, 2, 3, 9, 8, 1, 7, 4)
SNSD ("Gee")

Lessons I learned this past year
Play the game - I learned this from a class about combinatorial game theory. When in doubt, just follow through and things may work out.
Expected Value - I learned this from a probability class. Any given situation or condition has an expected value (if you assign values to all possible outcomes haha).
Discipline - is a boredom killer.
You are who you hate - Which is why it is not good to hate.
The burdens of certainty - If you claim something is fact, be prepared to defend your claims.
Flexibility - is, in many respects, more important than intelligence.
Cooking in bulk - What becomes monotonous happens to cost-effective.
Speed - is the result of slow drills
Convincing people of your beliefs - is a matter of asking questions and clearing up misunderstandings. This may also change your own beliefs as well.

Notable Events in 2009
A Funeral - The memorial service for my great grandmother's passing was a celebration of a life filled with hard work and penniless prosperity. Her death also prompted me to consider my current and future priorities. I am pleased to have had such a wonderful ancestor who still had/has a few posthumous lessons for me to learn.
Picking up Piano - I stopped playing piano in high school. I'm pleased to say I'm trying to play it again.
Beer - 5am after my first pleasant experience with beer, my apartment evacuated because of a fire in the garage. The loud noises and grumpy demeanor of the stranded inhabitants of the building shook me up.
Bernstein's Mass - A fascinating piece and a wonderful epilogue to my days in youth symphony.
First Legal Shots - I took my first legal shots almost two months after I turned 21. They were generally consequence-less, though I did turn as red as a bull.
ECYS Reunion - A very recent, very successful get together.
Fishing - I'm the fishing ace!
A Birth - My grandma was really scared because my new cousin was in gestation under superstitiously poor circumstances. Everyone was pleased to find that he had a complication free birth! He just enjoyed his first Christmas.

Things I did a lot this past year
Practice - I really like Conrad Prebys: A man who loves both music and polar bears.
Music lessons - These were pretty brutal.
Listen to music - Especially after being reprimanded by my teacher for not "feeling the dance of music."
Smash - The year began with brawl, but I mostly play melee now. I had a wonderful sample of brawl minus a few days ago and that was phenomenal.
Go to Punjabi Tandoor, Dave's Cafe, Carl's Jr and Souplantation - Darrell and I started calling Punjabi Tandoor "Puntan" (POOHN-tan).
Not go to class - I always felt guilty after piano lessons, so I ended up practicing for the next couple hours.
Sleep in class - And it was REALLY bad sleep most of the time. I miss the high school days where I could just put my head on the table and have sweet dreams.

Things that blew my mind this year
Alexander Technique - Every lesson is incredible because of what I learn as well as the competence of the specialist. Look it up!
Finding out what jazz is about... sort of - This happened after I couldn't seem to satisfy a fussy substitute teacher with my bass playing.
Music - Though this generally happens multiple times every year. Particularly notable was Anthony Davis's jazz composition class and its students and learning 7/8 time via Robert Glasper.

New Years Resolutions
Instant email response - I should respond to emails automatically because it is considerate. However, I should not expect this from others because I would be disappointed.
Exercise - Hah! How stereotypical. I really should start though.
Cook more - for myself, and other people.
Practice more efficiently - I need to set goals and deadlines.
Read a book - I have a few that I have been meaning to read.
Curtail internet use - There are a lot of things that should take priority.
Be a better person - As always.

Happy New Year,
-Matthew

The Real Book

The required book for my music history class, Ideas and Styles in the Western Musical Tradition, was astoundingly difficult to find.

My professor explained that the textbook has two editions. The first edition, found in many college music history curricula, was snagged by McGraw Hill, a printing company specializing in textbooks. As soon as it secured the copyrights, the publishing giant re-sized a few pictures, changed the cover art and printed an affluence of copies (as big name textbook companies do).

While it seemed like it would be profitable to reprint a textbook that several music departments use, McGraw Hill found that their tradition of producing a gazillion copies was vastly in excess of the universities' demand for it. The now out-of-print book provides students with a headache when searching for it in addition to its extremely boring content.

This past break, I bought The Real Book, which is basically a compendium of jazz standards, in its sixth edition. Being familiar with the fifth edition, I was surprised to find that the reissue omitted several important pieces ("On Green Dolphin St.", "I Got Rhythm"). Those publishers... They never realize that some things work well as they are.

Have a Nice Day,
Matthew