A few nights ago, I was really smitten by a girl and construed a lot of her actions as signs that she may have felt something as well. Today, I was thinking about all those signs and realized that all of them could have actually been just circumstantial or explained for different reasons. All those times we locked our eyes could have easily been because my hair looked odd (which it did) or because my jokes were uproariously hilarious (which they weren't).
I feel there are a lot of times where I can't really trust my own viewpoint. I feel that so much of what I perceive is subjective and I lack the discernment to determine what I should take home from my surrounding events. It's as if my mind naturally gravitates towards insincere fantasies that break like glass and reveal a terrible disfigured reality. Clearly, I was so entranced by that girl's presence that I would only allow myself to believe in what I wanted. Now, that I'm finally considering alternate explanations, I just want to run back to my precious mirage and just hope it's all true.
I just had dinner with my dad, and he was sort of reprimanding me for not figuring out my future. He told me bluntly that if I just kept dreaming without executing any plans, I would get nothing done. And I think he's right. I've been fooling myself about the future for quite some time now, and I guess I had better get out of the illusion that I can be a rock star no matter how much my mind convinces me it's a feasible occupation.
After dinner, he told me that he didn't like the fact that he had to pressure his kids into independence, but he knew he had to do it for the greater good. I can't really trust my intuition when considering that girl I was mentioning above, but I know I can believe my dad's benevolent intentions. That said, I still have a crush on that girl cause she's SMOKING HOT.
Have a nice day,
-Matthew
